Archive | February 2013

The Best Duct Tape Story

During a private “fly-in” fishing excursion in the
Alaskan wilderness, the charter pilot and the
fishermen left a cooler and bait in the plane…..
A bear smelled it…..
Here’s the plane…..
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The pilot used his radio to ask another pilot bring him two new tires,
three cases of duct tape, and a supply of sheet plastic.

He patched the plane together, and FLEW IT HOME !
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DUCT TAPE…NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT!

You gotta love Jewish humor!

 

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has
missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother
goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says,
“Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!
” Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and
makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in
front of their house. A mature and distinguished man
with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the
car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and
the girl and tells them, “Your daughter has informed me
of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal
family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and
provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
“Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail
furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami ,
and a $1,000,000 bank account.”
“If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores
and a $25,000,000 bank account.”
“However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do.
What do you suggest?”
All silent at this point, the mother, placed a hand firmly on
the man’s shoulder and tells him, “So, you’ll try again.”

Poor Dog………….

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A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze. Perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those “feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, “take the dog for a walk.”