Archive | August 2013

DUH….

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A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I`ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a note saying, “I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde.” The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?” 

 

 

How the Internet Started —

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Now you know!, (Not Al Gore)This is hilarious, and very clever…How the Internet Started (according to Biblical scholars) …
 In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.
 And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
 And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
 And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
 And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
 Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
 And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all  the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
 To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
 And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
 And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
 And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”
 And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.
 He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
 And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham.
And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
 Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.
 It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
 That is how it all began.
 And that’s the truth.

 

 

Best Senior Moment I’ve heard

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Here’s a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester.
 
There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America .
I politely declined to take one.
There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said,
“Lady, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?”
The old woman looked up at her and said:
“Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam.  All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country.  If you touch me again, I’ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.”
 
    ~ God Bless America ~
 
 
          I love getting old.

 

KISS YOUR WASHER AND DRYER

 “Warshing”  Clothes Recipe 

Never  thought of a “warsher” in this light before…what a  blessing!

“Warshing Clothes Recipe” — imagine having a recipe for this!
Years ago, an Alabama grandmother gave a new bride the following recipe
exactly as written and found in an old scrapbook with spelling errors and all.

               “Warshing”  Clothes Recipe  

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Build  fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain  water

Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert.

Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.

Sort things, make 3 piles — 1 pile  white, 1 pile colored, 1 pile work britches and  rags.

To make starch, stir flour in cool  water to smooth, then thin down with boiling  water.

Take white things, rub dirty spots on  board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored don’t boil just wrench and starch.

Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch.

Hang old rags on fence.

Spread tea towels on grass.

Pore wrench water in flower bed.

Scrub porch with hot soapy water.

Turn tubs upside down.

Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs.

Brew cup of tea, sit, rock a spell, and count yore  blessings.

  

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(Paste this over your washer and dryer.    The next time you  think things are bleak, read it again, kiss that washing machine and dryer, and give thanks.    The  first thing each morning , you should run and hug your washer and dryer.)

For non-Southerners – wrench means rinse