Archive | February 2014

My Last Trip To Krogers

ret people

Yesterday I was at my local Kroger’s grocery buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think…I had an elephant?

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Kroger’s won’t let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Texas…..

hat

An elderly couple, Rose and Jim, moved to Hamilton, Texas.  Jim had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, and when he saw that a store was having a big sale on them, he bought a pair and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and asked his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Rose gave him a quick once over and replied, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Jim stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen, this time completely naked except for his new pair of boots.  A little louder this time  he asked,  “Notice anything different NOW?”

Rose looked up and replied, “Jim, what’s different?  It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down tomorrow!!”

Furious now, he yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, ROSE?”

“No,” she replied.  “But I’m sure you’re going to tell me…” 

“It’s hanging down, because it’s looking at my new boots!!”

With no change of expression whatsoever, Rose replied,

“SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT.”

The Pickle Slicer

pickle

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire  to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day Yossel came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.  For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her histormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
 
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely-intact penis.  She looked up and said, “I don’t understand. What about the pickle slicer?”
 
 Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”
 

The Fortune Teller

cb

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:

“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the fortune teller’s lined face, and then at the single flickering candle, and then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.
She simply had to know…

She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked…

“Will I be acquitted?”

And the men said… “Thanks Mary”

How Mary Quant’s Mini-skirt Conquered the World

‘A mini-skirt was a way of rebelling’: British stylist Mary Quant, who will soon celebrate her 80th birthday, is credited with inventing the above-the-knee skirt that has become a wardrobe staple. Coco Chanel may have said they were ‘just awful,’ but the mini-skirt revolution kicked off in the UK in the Swinging Sixties and soon took the rest of the globe by storm.

mini