Archive | February 7, 2019

Another wedding?

 

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

 “Of course, madam,”  replied the sales clerk,  “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?”

 The bride-to-be said,  “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”

 “Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.”

 “WELL!” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness,  “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.  Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

 You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

 My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never again spoke to each other.”

 “What about your third husband?” “That one was a US Democrat senator from New York,” said the woman,  “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.”

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We’ve waited a lifetime for this info……

 

THE HISTORY OF TOILET PAPER

1. The first recorded use of toilet paper was in 6th Century China.

2. By the 14th Century, the Chinese government was mass-producing it.

3. Packaged toilet paper wasn’t sold in the United States until 1857.

4. Joseph Gayety, the man who introduced packaged TP to the U.S. had his name printed on every sheet.

5. Global toilet paper demand uses nearly 30,000 trees every day

6. That’s 10 million trees a year. California will ban Toilet paper in 2020 to save the trees.

7. It wasn’t until 1935 that a manufacturer was able to promise Splinter-Free Toilet Paper.

8. Seven percent of Americans admit to stealing rolls of toilet paper in hotels.

9. Americans use an average of 8.6 sheets of toilet paper per trip to the bathroom.

10. The average roll has 333 sheets.

11. Historically, what you use to wipe depended on your income level.

12. In the middle ages they used something called a gompf stick which was just an actual stick used to scrape.

13. Wealthy Romans used wool soaked in rose water and French royalty used lace.

14. Other things that were used before toilet paper include: Hay, corn cobs, sticks, stones, sand, moss, hemp, wool, husks, fruit peels, ferns, sponges, seashells, knotted ropes, and broken pottery (ouch!).

15. 70-75% of the world still doesn’t use toilet paper because it is too expensive or there is not sufficient plumbing.

16. In many Western European countries, bidets are seen as more effective and preferable to toilet paper.

17. Colored toilet paper was popular in the U.S. until the 1940s.

18. The reason toilet paper disintegrates so quickly when wet is that the fibers used to make it are very short.

19. On the International Space Station, they still use regular toilet paper, but it has to be sealed in special containers and Compressed

20. During Desert Storm, the U.S. Army used toilet paper to camouflage their tanks.

21. In 1973 Johnny Carson caused a toilet paper shortage. He said as a joke that there was a shortage, which there wasn’t, until everyone believed him and ran out to buy up the supply. It took three weeks for some stores to get more stock.

22. There is a contest sponsored by Charmin to design and make wedding dresses out of toilet paper. The winner gets $2,000.

23.. There was a toilet paper museum in Wisconsin, The Madison Museum of Bathroom Tissue, but it closed in 2000.

24. The museum once had over 3,000 rolls of TP from places all over the world, including The Guggenheim, Ellis Island, and Graceland.

25. There is still a virtual toilet paper museum called Nobody’s Perfect.

26. In 1996, President Clinton passed a Toilet Paper Tax of 6 cents per roll, which is still in effect today.

27. The Pentagon uses, on average, 666 rolls of toilet paper per day.

28. The most expensive toilet paper in the world is from Portugal. A brand called Renova.

29. Renova is three-ply, perfumed, costs $3 per roll and comes in several colors including black, red, blue, and green.

30. The CEO of Renova came up with the idea for black toilet paper while he was at a Cirque du Soleil show.

31. Beyonce uses only red Renova toilet paper.

32. Kris Jenner uses only the black Renova toilet paper.

33. If you hang your toilet paper so you can pull it from the bottom, you’re considered more intelligent than someone who pulls it from the top.

Wonder how this was determined? They asked idiots. All TP with a design is made to go over the top.

34. Koji Suzuki, a Japanese horror novelist best known for writing The Ring, had an entire novel printed on a single roll of toilet paper.

35. The novel takes place in a public bathroom and the entire story runs approximately three feet long.

36. When asked what necessity they would bring to a desert island, 49% of people said toilet paper before food.

37. Queen Elizabeth II wipes her royal bottom with silk handkerchiefs. Wonder if the royal chambermaid gets to wash those??

38. Muslims wipe their bums with their bare hand— always the left hand. They eat with their right hand. If you are caught shop lifting, your right hand is cut off forcing you to eat with your poopy left hand.

This history was sent to you using my right hand!

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THE SPHINX—-BAD NEWS, WORSE NEWS, AND IFFY NEWS

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Can anyone understand or make sense out of this article ?

https://www.redstate.com/diary/davenj1/2019/02/01/four-horsewomen-apocalypse-ilhan-omar-maybe-not-bigamist-but…./

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The Editor:  Are you covering all of your bases, LL ?

Maybe Cat:   I’m trying.  Our loyal readers can put them in a pigeon hole.

https://www.nbclosangeles.com/investigations/Typhus-Epidemic-Worsens-in-Los-Angeles-505166301.html

https://www.sfchronicle.com/bayarea/philmatier/article/San-Francisco-where-street-addicts-outnumber-13571702.php

https://nypost.com/video/five-killed-when-plane-crashes-into-california-home/

Here are some nationwide/world links.

https://townhall.com/tipsheet/guybenson/2019/02/01/revealed-pennsylvania-forced-to-release-discovery-of-more-than-11000-noncitizens-registered-to-vote-n2540566

https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/757194/5g-wireless-network-deadly-cancer-Arthur-Robert-Firstenberg-technology-news

A decade or in history, pick one.

https://www.breitbart.com/sports/2019/02/04/the-nfl-suffers-worst-super-bowl-ratings-decade/

 

The Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks ‘Why in the world are you walking around like this?’

The cowboy says, ‘Well it’s like this Sheriff ……I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt… So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants….So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts…so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, “Now go to town, cowboy.”

“So here I am.”

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist.