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Tomorrow is the National Home-school Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear. You’re welcome!
I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers…
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!
Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.
I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”
When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.