My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of … it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me: Sobbing my heart out, “I can’t see you anymore … I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
Trainer: “It was one sit-up. ”

Sorry I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words: defense, defeat, detail.
Student: When a horse jumps over defense, defeat go first and then detail.

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out “You have reached your final destination.”