I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side, but at least you don’t have to mow it.