The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for Seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Actually, I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Old Italian proverb