Nothing Left But Bones!

SIGNS YOU OVERDID IT THIS THANKSGIVING

~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the recliner.

~ You get grass stains on your behind after a walk, but never sat down.

~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your email.

~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

~ You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.

~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard and delete this.

——

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings…

One by one…

As each relative goes home.

——

We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.

Our daughter turned to my wife and said, “Mom, you always did it that way.”

“Yes,” my wife replied, “but you don’t have a cat!”

——

Grandma’s Thanksgiving

Dear Family,

I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00. Arrive late and you get what’s left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives! Date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year, because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things.

Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

 1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas AM. The television stays off during the meal.

 2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them, and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.

 3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house, and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook, and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

 4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

 5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.

 6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

 7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

 8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

 9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things, and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives, too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: “You don’t need to bring anything” means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.

12. Domino’s and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids, and it’s true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love You,

Grandma

_________________________________________________________________________________

This is funny.

https://nypost.com/2022/11/07/man-knocks-himself-out-trying-to-flee-store-with-luxury-stolen-goods/

China owns Biden and Congress.

https://nypost.com/2022/11/07/tiktok-hires-communications-pro-who-worked-for-biden-pentagon/

The Bee.

https://babylonbee.com/news/in-affirmative-action-program-starbucks-forced-to-hire-one-straight-male-barista

https://www.chinadaily.com.cn/

______________________________________________________

Scummy Bill is what happens when criminals aren’t punished. They keep committing crimes–like the criminals with no bails.

https://redstate.com/nick-arama/2022/11/07/bill-clinton-creates-a-stir-with-response-to-question-about-jeffrey-epstein-n655833

This is late, but very revealing.

https://www.theonion.com/raphael-warnock-surges-in-polls-after-taking-off-glasse-1849753256

https://redstate.com/

______________________________________________________

The USA Editor:  What is your initial comment on America First, LL ?

The Perfectly Clear Cat:  I want to be clear about this, America First is my hill to die on.  My first two people who I hope die a natural death are you know who.  They are enemies of freedom.  Eighty years old is a good run on the taxpayer dollar.  They wouldn’t know the truth if you hit them in the head with it.

https://thefederalist.com/2022/11/05/paul-pelosi-had-a-brush-with-death-heres-why-were-not-crying/

Insider Information stock trading should be enough to put them away until they die.

The separate judicial system is another reason to wish them a speedy dirt nap.

https://townhall.com/tipsheet/juliorosas/2022/11/07/ice-reportedly-being-blocked-from-interviewing-illegal-immigrant-who-attacked-paul-pelsoi-n2615571

Lithium-Ion batteries are first in fires.  The NYC fire department reports almost 200 fires caused by them in electric scooters and bikes.

https://www.breitbart.com/local/2022/11/06/officials-nyc-apartment-fire-caused-by-lithium-ion-battery-leaves-38-injured/

Speaking of fires, where did BLM/Antifa go ?

Democrats are eating babies for Thanksgiving.

https://www.today.com/parents/babies/hospitals-newborns-thanksgiving-turkeys-2022-rcna57543

_________________________________________

A repeat.

https://redstate.com/streiff/2022/11/05/florida-strikes-a-blow-for-sanity-and-decency-with-a-ban-on-transgender-surgery-and-drug-regimens-in-minors-n654782

_________________________________________

The Colorado killer’s beating wasn’t severe enough.

https://redstate.com/bobhoge/2022/11/23/colorado-shooting-suspects-mugshot-released-can-barely-speak-at-first-court-appearance-n663476

_________________________________________

John is the man from Pennsylvania.

https://thefederalist.com/2022/11/21/john-fetterman-is-the-new-normal/

The Colorado shooter identifies as a sexual-other ” SO “.  The dems must slam the Republicans all the time.

https://redstate.com/jeffc/2022/11/22/attorney-suspected-colorado-mass-shooter-identifies-as-non-binary-n663047

______________________________________________________

The Idaho Diary.

https://nypost.com/2022/11/22/murdered-idaho-student-kaylee-goncalves-spared-dog-now-in-ex-boyfriend-jacks-care/

The Colorado Diary.

https://nypost.com/2022/11/22/accused-colorado-gunmans-mom-had-several-run-ins-with-law/

The Secret Service agents have been drunk for 30 years.  The victim is lucky she wasn’t killed.

https://nypost.com/2022/11/21/tamar-ben-haim-sues-over-assault-by-off-duty-secret-service-agent/

_________________________________________

Surprise.

https://nypost.com/2022/11/21/toblerone-discovery-stuns-web-never-seen-this-in-50-years/

Wear protection in unknown places.

https://nypost.com/2022/11/21/honeymoon-ruined-by-worlds-most-venomous-fish/

Now you know what a PIT maneuver is.

https://www.police1.com/suspect-pursuit/articles/how-police-use-the-pit-maneuver-to-end-vehicle-pursuits-fZP3HtT386Mpu5oF/

McCarthy is making progress.

https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2022/11/21/kevin-mccarthy-republicans-will-start-every-day-of-congress-with-prayer-and-pledge-no-exceptions/

I quit caring what happens in sanctuary cities/states, the people vote for it.  Big Member Lori has personal problems.

https://townhall.com/tipsheet/juliorosas/2022/11/21/lori-lightfoot-got-an-earful-for-commenting-on-latest-mass-shooting-n2616203

Good news from Disney-the child abuse kingdom.

https://www.breitbart.com/entertainment/2022/11/21/tragic-kingdom-experts-predict-dark-days-ahead-at-disney-for-bob-iger-major-cuts-as-streaming-loses-billions/

This is why.

https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/senate/why-georgia-senate-runoff-important-to-both-parties

There is no honor among thieves.

https://nypost.com/2022/11/22/wedding-betrayal-might-wake-press-up-that-theyre-being-used-by-biden/