I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

My ability to remember song lyrics from the 60s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought dogs are easily amused. Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music…the toilet brush is never the microphone, never!

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart stuff I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.

The perks of being my friend is that you’ll be the normal one.

Not only did I fall off the ‘diet wagon’, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy cupcakes.

I set out to lose ten pounds this month…only fifteen to go.

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call these people cops.

The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in place.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Sometimes the first step towards forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot.

I finally realized it…People are prisoners of their phones, that’s why they are called ‘cell’ phones.

I wonder what people who txt “u” instead of “you” do with all their spare time.