How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I have to eat before I start seeing results?

Growing old is hard work…The mind says “yes,” but the body says “What are you thinking?!!”

My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.

There are times when my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet…but only for like 20 seconds…and only once.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. Everyone knows me there.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Left Tackle?”

I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the stupid class!

Don’t argue with an idiot. People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.