1. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

2. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

3. “Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”

4. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

5. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

6. “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

7. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

8. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

9. “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

10. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

11. “Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.”

12. “Think off-center.”

13. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

14. “I don’t have pet peeves. I have major psychotic hatreds.”

15. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bulls**t they teach you in school.”

16. “Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”

17. “We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”

18. “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”

19. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.”

20. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

21. “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”

22. “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

23. “Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”

24. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

25. “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice?'”