How do you make holy water?  You take some regular water & boil the hell out of it.

Will glass coffins be a success?  Remains to be seen.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?  One is really heavy and the other is a  little lighter.

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.  One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?  There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn’t find any.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?  A maybe.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.  I lost my case.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

She had a photographic memory but never developed it.

Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today?  I don’t know and don’t really care.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?  Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve. 

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

 I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

 Need an ark?  I Noah guy.

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not so sure.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?  Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

 What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?  A Thesaurus.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

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