The Question Editor: Why do cats live with humans, but not become dependent on them, LL ?
The Ancient Memories Cat: We remember, in our genetic code, the ancient history of the Hairy Ones. Any group who would kill their brothers over water at a mud hole or hog wallow is not one to trust.
We found that the species was capable of wonderful accomplishments, but deep in their DNA was a violent hateful power that could surface at any time. Any time more comfort, power, sex, drugs, emotions are involved humans trusted by others will take advantage for their own benefit. Airplanes owned by the government are good examples. They should all be sold.
Give the President the G550 to use and one of these for Marine One.
They could do maintenance on the White House lawn. In today’s world the Cabinet members are probably comparing fishnet pantyhose and underwear instead of gambling.
All planes for government officials and cars/chauffeurs should be eliminated. Fly commercial. We know terrorism is a JOKE. The border has been open since 09-11-2001.
~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the recliner.
~ You get grass stains on your behind after a walk, but never sat down.
~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your email.
~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.
~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
~ You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.
~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.
~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard and delete this.
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Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings…
One by one…
As each relative goes home.
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We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.
Our daughter turned to my wife and said, “Mom, you always did it that way.”
“Yes,” my wife replied, “but you don’t have a cat!”
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Grandma’s Thanksgiving
Dear Family,
I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00. Arrive late and you get what’s left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives! Date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different this year, because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things.
Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas AM. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them, and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house, and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook, and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things, and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives, too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: “You don’t need to bring anything” means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.
12. Domino’s and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids, and it’s true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
The USA Editor: What is your initial comment on America First, LL ?
The Perfectly Clear Cat: I want to be clear about this, America First is my hill to die on. My first two people who I hope die a natural death are you know who. They are enemies of freedom. Eighty years old is a good run on the taxpayer dollar. They wouldn’t know the truth if you hit them in the head with it.
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