My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there.
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of … it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Me: Sobbing my heart out, “I can’t see you anymore … I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” Trainer: “It was one sit-up. ”
Sorry I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words: defense, defeat, detail. Student: When a horse jumps over defense, defeat go first and then detail.
I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out “You have reached your final destination.”
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I’m still alive.
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant..
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘uh oh’, it’s already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR’s do not eject ‘PB & J’ sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. ) Fire departments have a 5-10 minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids…
80% of Men who read this will try mixing Clorox and brake fluid.
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