My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness and I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”  –  Especially me!! 

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Retirement to do list: Wake up. – I Nailed it!

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.  The glass is refillable.

I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.

One minute you’re young and fun. Next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

I’d grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it’s a beautiful day.

Some people you’re glad to see coming; some people you’re glad to see going.

Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good-looking or smart or talented. …I forgot where I was going with this.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older… This is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter either.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.  So, remember… don’t sing.

I see people my age mountain climbing. I feel good just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story anyway.

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving? “

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A policeman is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the policeman walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the policeman smiles and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”

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