The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~Johnny Carson

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for Seasickness is to sit under a tree.
~Spike Milligan

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~Johnny Carson

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Actually, I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Old Italian proverb