I was glad to see Sunday, January 5 come and go. That was the last day of Christmastide, also known as The Twelve Days Of Christmas. My True Love told me a month ago that he would be ‘Away On Business’ during Christmastide. He has been My True Love for many years, so that was not really a big deal. I would miss him, of coarse, but that is only twelve days.

I was surprised to see the Amazon van pull into my drive on Christmas Day. I knew I had not placed an order and My True Love was ‘Away On Business.’ I am never in a rush to collect my Amazon packages. They will be on the little bench that My True Love built for me when I decide to bring them inside.

A short while later, I heard short, shrill, scratchy sounds coming from my front porch. I opened the door and Amazon had left me a Partridge in a Pear Tree. A sweet little note inside read: Merry Christmas From Your True Love. I am the luckiest woman alive. He is so thoughtful.

I was just as pleased the next day when Amazon delivered two Turtle Doves. I put them under the shed with the Partridge in the backyard, along with some food, since I would be gone for a few days to visit a friend. Upon my return, I found three French Hens and four Calling Birds on my pretty little bench that My True Love built for me.

On Sunday, I was glad to find that the box from Amazon did not make any bird noises. It contained five Gold Rings that I kind of expected by this time. A week has passed so I felt confident that My True Love would be through with his surprises. I peacefully left to visit  my sister-in-law for a few days. She was so pleased about all the gifts that her thoughtful brother, My True Love, had sent to me.

I returned home on  Tuesday to find: Six Geese a-laying and seven swans a-swimming on my little bench that Whats His Name built for me. This crap is no longer funny or thoughtful. I put the geese under the shed with the other stupid birds and threw the swans in the creek.

Since Whats His Name will not answer his damn phone, I sent Amazon a scorching letter informing them: NEVER DRIVE INTO MY YARD AGAIN. IF SO, I WILL INFORM PETA THAT YOU ARE DELIVERING LICE INFESTED, HUNGRY, FRENCH SPEAKING, SPECIMENS OF  BIRDS ONTO MY PREMISES WHICH I NEVER ORDERED. MY SHED IS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE NOAH IS LOADING THE ARK. 

At that point, I proceeded to open and consume my two cases of expensive wine, which I did order. I placed Whats His Name’s saw-horses, all twelve of them,  across the drive way so that Amazon could not enter the drive without a lot of extra effort.

When I kind of sobered up four days later, due to being out of wine…all twelve sawhorses were still in place. BUT…there were eight Maids a’Milking, nine Ladies Dancing, ten Lords a’Leaping, and eleven Pipers Piping in my front yard.

Do you have any idea what that causes when one has a serious hangover from a four day drinking binge with Pinot Noir?

I loaded every firearm I could find and started shooting into the air….the cows started running while the maids were still a’milking,  the ladies started line dancing at a very rapid pace, the Lords started leaping even higher, and the Damn Pipers piped even louder.

Someone showed up in a padded van to take me away (Ha! Ha!). My last memory was passing by twelve Drummers Drumming…I thought we were in a parade to celebrate the final day of Christmastide.

Then I woke up again. I asked the nice lady in the white dress why I was hand-cuffed to the bed. She gave me a pill, explained it all to me, then asked:

“Do you have someone who you would like me to call to come for you?”

I replied:

“Yes Ma’am, you can call My Damn True Love…but please keep me until after Christmastide, January 5, 2027.

I will trade you 5 Gold Rings for another one of those little pills.”