What makes flying fun? How about funny airline announcements?

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1. “Today’s flight should take about 3 hours, but luckily I know a shortcut so we might be a little early.”

2. “If you don’t like humor we have exits.”

3. “Sorry about the bumpy landing. It’s not the captain’s fault. It’s not the co-pilot’s fault. It’s the Asphalt.”

4. After a bumpy landing: “That was a rough one. Since you all survived we expect you to keep all those promises that you just made.”

5. “We’ll be dimming the lights to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

6. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

7. “Your menu choices are chicken or pasta. If we’re out of your choice by the time we get to you, don’t worry, they all taste the same.”

8. Pilot asks before take off if this is the first time flying for anyone to press the flight attendant button. When no one pressed the button he said “Good, then I’m the only one.”

9. “When exiting the plane please watch out for the low overhead door. If you forget, please watch your language.”

10. “Please keep your seat belts fastened and enjoy our complimentary turbulence.”

11. “In the unlikely event of a water landing, just think of the incredible story you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren.”

12. “You will find the safety briefing card in your seat pocket. It is beautiful and has lots of nice pictures.”

13. “Cabin crew are coming by hoping you will tell them how good looking they are.”

14. “For those of you traveling with your children – why? And for those of you that are traveling with two of your children, what in the world were you thinking?”

15. “The yellow button is your reading light. Please don’t press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your ejector seat button.”

16. “On an early morning flight I noticed a few ladies who forgot to put on their makeup this morning. I’ll be dimming the lights for your convenience.”

17. “To activate oxygen, simply insert 75 cents for the first minute.”

18. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

19. “Folks it has been great having you flying with us today. But just like my Dad said to me the day I turned 18: get out.”

20. “Now that we’re here I’ll tell you the same thing my mother told me: Get your bags and get out!”

 

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A big AMEN to this one…..

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:  “Let me see if I’ve got this right.You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages and instill in them a love for learning.  You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.  You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a check book, and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and ensure that they all pass their final exams. You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicap and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Arabic or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for “New Start.”

You want me to do all this, and then you tell me…… I CAN’T wear a necklace with a little cross, mention God, or say “Merry Christmas” because someone might take offense? ” Well, you know what you can do with your job!

This should be posted in every school in America and all countries. Think about it! If Muslims can pray anywhere, why are Christians banned from praying in public and from erecting religious displays on their holy days?  Muslims are allowed to block off major streets, in all American States and pray in the middle of the street! And it’s a monthly ritual! Tell me, again, whose country is this Ours or the Muslims?

 

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IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT……

8:00 am – I made a snowman.

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8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 –  So, I made a snow woman. 

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8:17 –  My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 –  The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

Image result for cartoon pic of a snowmanImage result for cartoon pic of a snowman

8:22 –  The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 –  The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot  nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 –  I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:29 –  So I made a black couple.

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8:31 –  The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a  burqa.

8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist.

9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 – Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

 Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become.

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Wanna go to Hooters for lunch?

Image result for cartoon pic of hooters waitress

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida.

They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach to play golf.

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At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs …”

“OK.”

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Ten years later at age 40 they meet and play again.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”

“OK.”

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Ten years later at age 50 they meet and play again. “Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”

“OK.”

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At age 60 they meet and play again.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Wings are half price”

“OK”

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At age 70 they meet and play again. “Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”

“OK.”

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At age 80 they meet and play again. “Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“We’ve never been there before.”

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THE SPHINX—TRUMP IMPORTS HELP FOR FANCY NANCY

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https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2019/11/18/donald-trump-doctor-shuts-down-health-conspiracy-theories/

https://www.newsmax.com/

https://news.yahoo.com/us-aircraft-carrier-transits-strait-hormuz-214301889.html

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The Editor:  How did Trump help Pelosi, LL ?

S & M Cat:  He imported a new ” whip ” for Nancy.

A whip is an official of a political party whose task is to ensure party discipline in a legislature. This usually means ensuring that members of the party vote according to the party platform, rather than according to their own individual ideology or the will of their constituents. Whips are the party’s “enforcers”.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/10359922/uk-general-election-canterbury-liberal-democrat-candidate-claire-malcomson-sm-gear/

Claire will straighten out the Group of Four, and the other degenerates in the Democratic controlled House.  She might even change the new clothing rules that Pelosi approved.  Garters might be permissible instead of Muslim apparel.  She will show the wimps what the Constitution means.  She might also ask Katie Hill to run again.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/24118241

Here is another import.

Hurling Cat:  This is another import that the Democrats can take up after the impeachment fiasco, Hurling.

https://www.reuters.com/article/us-sport-hurling-newyorkclassic/hurling-finds-home-in-new-yorks-unfamiliar-territory-idUSKBN1XR00E

These might be interesting.

https://www.redstate.com/brandon_morse/2019/11/15/limbaugh-pinpoints-moment-tuned-impeachment/

https://townhall.com/tipsheet/mattvespa/2019/11/15/ny-post-cover-n2556421

https://townhall.com/tipsheet/cortneyobrien/2019/11/18/kevin-mccarthy-sends-letter-to-abc-about-mia-epstein-story-n2556634

https://www.foxnews.com/us/fbi-investigating-possibility-of-criminal-enterprise-in-jeffrey-epstein-death-prisons-chief-admits