Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the stupid class!

Don’t argue with an idiot. People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.