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The Train Ride

Image result for clip art of commuter train

 

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I’m on the train”.

“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”. “No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. I was with the boss”.

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart”

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

“Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

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Texas…..

hat

An elderly couple, Rose and Jim, moved to Hamilton, Texas.  Jim had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, and when he saw that a store was having a big sale on them, he bought a pair and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and asked his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Rose gave him a quick once over and replied, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Jim stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen, this time completely naked except for his new pair of boots.  A little louder this time  he asked,  “Notice anything different NOW?”

Rose looked up and replied, “Jim, what’s different?  It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down tomorrow!!”

Furious now, he yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, ROSE?”

“No,” she replied.  “But I’m sure you’re going to tell me…” 

“It’s hanging down, because it’s looking at my new boots!!”

With no change of expression whatsoever, Rose replied,

“SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT.”

 

 

 

Italian Grandpa

Image result for free pic of a chrome pistol

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated  revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ” “Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to-a you watch and say,

‘Times up?”

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How Many Bricks?

Image result for images of confused mind

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

“What are they doing?” she asked the tour guide.

“Each year,” he replied with a grin, “the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard.”

When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: “So, what’s the answer?”

The guide replied: “One.”

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How was I born?

Stork & Baby Clipart - Free Graphics of Storks Delivering Babies ...

 

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”

“Well, Honey…” said the boy’s mom, “the stork brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.

“Oh, the stork brought us too,” chimed in the dad.

“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.

“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn’t been a normal childbirth in my family for three generations.”

Vanishing Pastry

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop. The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, “You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!”

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, “Watch this, a Scotsman is always more clever than an Englishman.”

He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!”

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, “Give me one more cookie.”

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, “And where is your famous magic trick?”

The Scotsman says, “Look in the Englishman’s pocket!”

A wife solves her husband’s problems…..

old car

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

Math through the Ages

 Image result for pics of math through the years

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math:

Teaching Math In 1950’s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

 

Teaching Math In 1960’s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

 

Teaching Math In 1970’s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

 

Teaching Math In 1980’s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

 

Teaching Math In 1990’s:

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

(There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok. )

 

Teaching Math Today:

Un ha chero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la Producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

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