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How was I born?

Stork & Baby Clipart - Free Graphics of Storks Delivering Babies ...

 

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”

“Well, Honey…” said the boy’s mom, “the stork brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.

“Oh, the stork brought us too,” chimed in the dad.

“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.

“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn’t been a normal childbirth in my family for three generations.”

Vanishing Pastry

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop. The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, “You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!”

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, “Watch this, a Scotsman is always more clever than an Englishman.”

He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!”

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, “Give me one more cookie.”

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, “And where is your famous magic trick?”

The Scotsman says, “Look in the Englishman’s pocket!”

A wife solves her husband’s problems…..

old car

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

Math through the Ages

 Image result for pics of math through the years

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math:

Teaching Math In 1950’s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

 

Teaching Math In 1960’s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

 

Teaching Math In 1970’s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

 

Teaching Math In 1980’s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

 

Teaching Math In 1990’s:

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

(There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok. )

 

Teaching Math Today:

Un ha chero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la Producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

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Fear the truth from old people…….

Image result for toon pic of old grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’ She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’ The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

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Al “Spider Monkey” Sharpton

Well, it is no wonder that Al Sharpton and his Merry Band are campaigning for slavery reparations. It is also no surprise that he hates Donald Trump. After all, he resided in the Lincoln Bedroom of the white house through obama’s eight (devastating) years. His plush surroundings declined when President Donald Trump was elected.

I certainly hope the IRS collects the millions that Al still owes in taxes…or at least subtracts them from his reparation check.   

-Sheila Tolley-

 

Image result for al sharpton and spider monkeys

 

Texas…..

hat

An elderly couple, Rose and Jim, moved to Hamilton, Texas.  Jim had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, and when he saw that a store was having a big sale on them, he bought a pair and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and asked his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Rose gave him a quick once over and replied, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Jim stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen, this time completely naked except for his new pair of boots.  A little louder this time  he asked,  “Notice anything different NOW?”

Rose looked up and replied, “Jim, what’s different?  It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down tomorrow!!”

Furious now, he yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, ROSE?”

“No,” she replied.  “But I’m sure you’re going to tell me…” 

“It’s hanging down, because it’s looking at my new boots!!”

With no change of expression whatsoever, Rose replied,

“SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT.”