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THE JOB INTERVIEW

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Two men were applying for the same job at the newspaper office to become columnists. One applicant was Caucasian and one was African-American, which really did not make a difference to the Manager of the paper.  After various interviews, several tests, personal appearance,etc. The two applicants remained tied for points……As a tie breaker, HR  decided that he would open the dictionary, blindly point to a word, and let each of them create a short poem from the selected word. He opened the dictionary and his finger landed on the word Timbuktu. The Caucasian immediately said, “I am ready.”

See the stars, See the sand
See the desert caravan.
Camels aligned two by two
Destination: Timbuktu.

Although the HR Director was sure he had a winner, he waited on the second reply. It came shortly.

Tim and me, a’camping we went
Bought three whores and pitched a tent.
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

(Oh well, A newspaper can always use two good columnists.)

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$7.00 SEX

A Texas couple, both well into their 80’s, go to a Sex Therapist’s office.
The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’
The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..’
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’

The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married; so we can’t go to her house. I’m married; and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all….

Medicare pays $43 of it.

 
 

Just Dusting Off My First Amendment….

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If I could afford Skywriting, I would, but I can’t…so I must keep my opinions more “Down to Earth.” First of all, I am not required to love, respect or support you or agree with your beliefs simply because you are Straight, Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender, Queer, White, Black,  Drug Dependent, Mentally Ill, an Illegal Immigrant, or a child of a poor upbringing, etc.

That does not, in any way, diminish your right to safely exist in any of these categories. Not in America. In reference to Gay people,  I have heard the comment “I was born this way” until I am sick of it. BECAUSE….it does not matter how you became Gay. It is A-OK to be GAY. I must admit that, since there is a drug on the market with the side effect of causing  your son to develop breasts, all things become very possible. Lady Gaga wrote a hit record titled, Born This Way. If I were on American Bandstand, I would give it a 95 because “I like the beat and it is easy to dance to.” I know people who “fly high the Gay banner.” I know others who “very likely, kiss but do not tell.”  I do not ask because I do not care. This issue is a problem solved, yesterday’s news, a dead horse, so stop beating it. You can marry whoever you want to marry and buy your wedding cake at any public bakery. I do not HATE Gay people. They do not consume much time in my thought-processing chamber. They are Somewhere Over Their Rainbow where bluebirds fly…. I love that song too!

At Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope.  This microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally tiny building blocks of our universe. If I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in this issue any longer.

We have a more important issue now that has reared its’ ugly head in our world. We have babies being born with parents who refuse to identify the child as Male or Female on the birth certificate. Their reason, they do not know what the child may wish to become in the future. OMG! Let’s make it a little simpler for these idiots….Penis? YES/NO…check the appropriate  block. Evidently,  these people wake up and call  a meeting of their Fellow Idiot Society Members to decide “What is the Most Idiotic Stupid Issue that we can discuss today?”

I  remember when I was young  and people would ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I Thank my Jesus,  it never once crossed my mind that I needed to confirm the word…..

WOMAN.

 

Sheila Tolley

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Italian Grandpa

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An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated  revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ” “Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to-a you watch and say,

‘Times up?”

The Wedding Text

 

A father texts his son: “My dear son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father.”

His son texts back: “Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn’t actually until tomorrow!”

His Father replies: “I know.”

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25 Strange But True Facts That Will Shock You

What’s the weirdest fact you know of? We bet it’s not as strange as any of these! You might think these facts sound totally false, but trust us, they’re totally true! So, if you’ve got 10 minutes to spare, why not check out these  25 strange but true facts that will shock you!

  1. Donkey Kong got his name because his creator believed ‘donkey’ meant ‘stupid’ in English and wanted to convey the impression that the character was a “Stupid Ape”.
  2. The medical name for a butt crack is “intergluteal cleft”.
  3. People can suffer from a psychological disorder called Boanthropy that makes them believe that they are a cow. They try to live their life as a cow.
  4. The name for the shape of Pringles is called a ‘Hyperbolic Paraboloid’.
  5. There is a McDonalds in every continent except Antartica.
  6. Mr Potato Head was the first toy to be advertised on TV.
  7. A duel between three people is actually called a truel.
  8. The stage before frostbite is called “frostnip”.
  9. The two tiny holes drilled in every BIC pen is to ensure that the air pressure is the same both inside and outside the pen, which helps the ink flow to the tip.
  10. In South Korea there is an emergency number (113) to report spies.
  11. There are no bridges over the Amazon River.
  12. The process by which bread toasts is called the ‘Maillard Reaction’.
  13. Snails have 14000 teeth and some can even kill you!
  14. Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi was not a man in a suit, it was actually a giant puppet.
  15. Sonic the Hedgehog’s full name is actually Ogilvie Maurice Hedgehog.
  16. Even though Froot Loops are different colors, they all have exactly the same flavor.
  17. George Clooney did the voice for ‘Sparky’ – a gay dog in South Park.
  18. Most toilet paper sold for home use in France is pink.
  19. Marmite was one of most confiscated items at airports from the UK – to overcome this issue, Marmite made smaller ones for travelling.
  20. The human nose can remember 50,000 different scents.
  21. Cards against Humanity bought an island in Maine to preserve wildlife. It is called Hawaii 2.
  22. Daddy longlegs have penises, which technically makes them not a spider.
  23. The television was invented only two years after the invention of sliced bread.
  24. Bullfrogs do not sleep.
  25. The dark region on the north pole of Pluto’s moon, Charon, is called Mordor.

Fun Fact

 7 Up was created by Charles Leiper Grigg. Grigg came up with the formula for a lemon-lime soft drink in 1929. The product, originally named “Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda”, was launched two weeks before the Wall Street Crash of 1929. It contained lithium citrate, a mood-stabilizing drug, until 1950. Its name was later shortened to “7 Up Lithiated Lemon Soda” before being further shortened to just “7 Up” by 1936. The origin of the name is unclear, though Britvic claims that the name comes from the seven main ingredients in the drink, while others have claimed that the number was a coded reference to the lithium contained in the original recipe, which has an atomic mass of approximately 7.
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