Have you ever been so mad that you could not stop laughing? I actually called my mentor and asked that question today. He agreed that it had happened to him. So, I googled the question…The God of Google agreed that laughing when very angry is a valid emotional overload, it does happen.
This is what happened. I saw packages on my porch and proceeded to bring them into the house. Amazon and UPS make daily deliveries to our little neighborhood. One of the packages was a white box addressed to me with the big initials
CG
on the box. I asked myself, What is this? I did not order anything from CG. (I have not used Cover Girl make-up since I was a teenager.) The return address was from a place called EXACT SCIENCES LABORATORIES. It was a 3 lb package that had been delivered by UPS.
Well, Katy Bar The Door….it turns out that my unexpected & unrequested box was a Care Package from Our Government. They are concerned that I may have colon cancer. They are so concerned that they have sent me a free, unrequested little Porta-Potty by UPS.
If events had transpired as they had anticipated: I would happily defecate in this box (like a good little kitty), seal it up, and call EXACT SCIENCES LABORATORIES to schedule a Poop Pick-Up with UPS.
This IS NOT how events transpired. I called Exact Sciences Laboratories. After four tries and pressing the correct option numbers in the correct sequence, a Pronoun answered. It sounded like a female to me….but WHO KNOWS? Unlike me, this female sounding Pronoun was very polite. I will clean up my side of the conversation that went like this:
Her: Exact Science Laboratories, How may I help you?
Me: You can tell me why I have received a Cologuard box from you that someone expects me to defecate in and send back to you.
Her: There will most likely be no out-of-pocket charge for you to take this test. It is free from Medicare.
Me: Nothing is free from Medicare. There will ABSOLUTELY be no out-of-my-pocket transaction taking place. Who pays for people to defecate in boxes? (A long pause…) Are you still there? Can you hear me? Who pays for people to defecate in boxes?
Her: If you take the test and our analysis notices any irregularities, you will need to schedule a colonoscopy with your doctor.
Me: Will you be sending UPS to pick up this unused kit or shall I throw it in the garbage?
Her: Since these tests are sent out per a prescription from your doctor, we are not allowed to accept them back unused.
Me: In the trash it goes.
Her: I will call your doctor and notify him that you have refused the test.
Me: You two have a jolly little conversation because the test was never mentioned to me and certainly not approved by me. This is simply a new government approved scam to subsidize all the CROOKS who cannot continue sucking from the government’s Covid Teat. Do you have many people who do not take the bait when you send these “supposedly” free traps out to them?
Her: Yes, we have many who never return the test. Is there anything else I can do for you, Ms. Tolley?
Me: Oh yes. If you have what is known as a Black List, be sure my name is added to that list so that I never receive another Scam Poop Box from your company. Good-Bye now.
After my conversation with the Pronoun from EXACT SCIENCE, I talked with my friend, who in turn talked to her friends who had taken the test.
This is the tricky part to this little scam. After sending their stool sample and the analysis was complete: Each of the people received a letter recommending a colonoscopy. In all these cases, no problems were detected with the colonoscopies.
BUT:
In all these cases, Insurance refused to pay the $1200 for the colonoscopies, because Medicare had already paid $500 for the “Little Box Analysis.”
SOMETIMES IT IS WISE TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX!
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