The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.
It’s not my age that bothers me, it’s the side effects.
I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of .. it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Me, sobbing: I’m not coming back here anymore … I’m not going to let you hurt me again. My Trainer: “It was just one sit-up.”
I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four U.S. presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round…and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently, RSVP-ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found “Mute” by now.
Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.