Lexophile describes those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish,” or “To write with a broken pencil is pointless” An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.
This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore .
I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months .
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail .
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the end.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Sold.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,”How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost.
I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
God’s accuracy may be observed in the hatching of eggs. For example: the eggs of the potato bug hatch in 7 days – those of the canary in 14 days – those of the barnyard hen in 21 days – the eggs of ducks and geese hatch in 28 days – those of the mallard in 35 days – the eggs of the parrot and the ostrich hatch in 42 days. FYI, the Colorado Potato Beetle’s egg measure about 1.5 mm long. On other hand, the Ostrich egg can measure 6 inches in length and 15-18 inches in diameter. (Notice, they are all divisible by seven, the number of days in a week!)
God’s wisdom is seen in the making of an elephant. The four legs of this great beast all bend forward in the same direction. No other quadruped is so made. God planned that this animal would have a huge body, too large to live on two legs. Male elephants can grow to 14 feet and weigh more than 12,000 pounds (6 tons). They can drink 50 or more gallons of water a day. For these reasons He gave it four fulcrums so that it can rise from the ground easily.
Or again, the horse rises from the ground on its two front legs first. A cow rises from the ground with its two hind legs first.
How wise the Lord is in all His works of creation! God’s wisdom is revealed in His arrangement of sections and segments, as well as in the number of grains. All grains are found in even numbers on the stalks, and the Lord specified 30 fold, 60 fold, and a 100 fold all even numbers. A light crop of wheat will produce 30 grains on each stalk, while a good crop of wheat will produce 60 grains on each stalk.
Each watermelon has an even number of stripes on the rind. The ordinary watermelon will have 10 stripes on it. The larger ones may have 12 to 16 stripes, but always in even numbers.
Each orange has an even number of segments. Each ear of corn has an even number of rows. Each stalk of wheat has an even number of grains. Every bunch of bananas has on its lowest row an even number of bananas, and each row decreases by one, so that one row has an even number and the next row an odd number.
God has caused the flowers to blossom at certain specified times during the day. Linnaeus, the great botanist, once said that if he had a conservatory containing the right kind of soil, moisture and temperature, he could tell the time of day or night by the flowers that were open and those that were closed!
The dandelion will grow above its surroundings whether the grass be 2 inches, 10 inches, or 20 inches, for it must get up into the sunlight.
The waves of the sea roll in on shore twenty-six to the minute in all kinds of weather. Water will travel from the roots of a tree to the top-most leaf of a tree 265 feet high and no one understands why.
The lives of each of you may be ordered by the Lord in a beautiful way for His glory, if you will only entrust Him with your life. If you try to regulate your own life, it will only be a mess and a failure. Only the One Who made the brain and the heart can successfully guide them to a profitable end. Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil – it has no point.
ADDED THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache, when you open it, he collapses, when he sees you reading it, he loses his strength, and when you stand on the Word of God, Satan can’t hurt you!
The Secretary of the Navy wanted to use the airwaves to discuss military/policy matters, he watched too much Schiff.
The Editor: What is barely newsworthy, LL ?
Old News Cat: Most everything has been reported in one way or another over the past year. Taylor Swift’s problems are somewhat new.
California’s problems are mostly self inflicted.
Bloomberg is part of the reason NYC is so screwed up.
Everything is going to-go. Maybe an electric truck will bring it.
If we can’t make our own secure communication systems we aren’t a Super Power ( much less subsidize the Chinese ).