Archive | August 22, 2021

Deep thoughts of a retired man

Cartoon Drawing Person Thought Stick Figure - Person Drawing ...

I worked in the yard today, and after doing so I sat down and had a glass of wine. 

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.”

She then said, “That’s what you did yesterday!”

I replied, “I WASN’T DONE , SO I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW.”

The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?” 

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:  “Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?”

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?     

Well, after another glass of wine, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. 

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. 

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”     

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”


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The Perfect Man

Image result for the perfect man

 

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”

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The Cynical Philosopher…

Image result for cynical

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
 
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
 
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
 
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
 
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
 
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
 
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
 
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
 
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
 
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
 
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
 
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
 
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
 
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
 
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
 
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
 
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
 
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
 
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
 
Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!


The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.   Think of this; Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he was always drunk and in jail!

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The Wine Expert

How to become a 'wine expert' in four hours

A wine merchant’s regular taster died and the director started looking for a
new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a
glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said: “It’s a Muscat, three years
old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but
acceptable.

“That’s correct”, said the boss. Another glass…. “It’s a cabernet, eight
years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.
Requires three more years for finest results.”

“Correct.” A third glass… ”It’s a pinot blanch champagne, high grade and
exclusive,” calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant – and if I don’t get the
job, I’ll name the father.”

*
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FLASHBACK! A leopard does not change its’ spots!

2-Year-Old Boy Killed by Leopard at South Africa's Kruger National Park |  KTLA

In 1975, President Ford was left to manage the difficult ending of the Vietnam War. President Ford went to Congress for a relief package to allow American personnel  and our allies to evacuate. However, there was ONE US SENATOR who opposed any such support. The result was the embarrassing and hurried evacuation from the roof of the American embassy in Saigon.

This senator reveled in the embarrassment and did everything he could to leverage it politically against Ford.  Despite the efforts of this U.S. Senator–President Ford managed to rescue 1,500 South Vietnamese allies prior to the country’s fall. Had President Ford not acted quickly, these people would have been targeted and slaughtered for their support for America. When they arrived in America , President Ford asked Congress for a package to assist these refugees to integrate into American society.

That SAME troublesome SENATOR TORPEDOED ANY SUPPORT for these shell shocked, anti-communist, Americans and our helpers, the refugees.

Instead, President Ford had to recruit Christian organizations to offer assistance on a voluntary basis. As he did so, the Senator belittled those efforts. What kind of person would oppose President Ford’s tireless work to do the right and humanitarian thing? Who would want to play politics with the well-being of innocent people who stood by America in the tragic Vietnam War?

THAT SENATOR WAS JOE BIDEN

   From the book – “When the Center Held.” by Donald Rumsfeld in 2018.(biography)

 

... spread it, far and wide!

THE SPHINX—TROPICS

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https://www.vice.com/en/article/g5gn8x/marjorie-taylor-greene-called-joe-biden-a-piece-of-shit-over-afghanistan

Don’t forget the media and Nancy.

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Our loyal readers in the Northeast should check their local weather.

https://nypost.com/2021/08/20/henri-closing-in-on-new-york-area-with-hurricane-strength-force/

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All of these weird happenings are looking like deliberate attempts to screw America.

https://redstate.com/bonchie/2021/08/18/bombshell-joe-biden-disbanded-state-department-crisis-response-bureau-prior-to-taliban-takeover-n429147

Joe and Obama work hard.

https://www.breitbart.com/asia/2021/08/16/hayward-joe-biden-armed-taliban/

https://townhall.com/tipsheet/mattvespa/2021/08/19/did-you-catch-obamas-indirect-contribution-to-the-talibans-reconquest-of-afghanistan-n2594398

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Maybe in 20 years.  I hope they don’t catch fire while your family sleeps, and burn them alive, like the Tesla.   The Musk satellites are also causing trouble.

https://www.france24.com/en/live-news/20210820-elon-musk-says-tesla-s-robot-will-make-physical-work-a-choice

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-9908743/Elon-Musks-SpaceX-Starlink-satellites-responsible-HALF-close-encounters-orbit.html

https://www.nationalreview.com/

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The Dept. of Education will probably run this crap on a 12 hour loop, or like CNN at the airports.  We love Joe.

https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2021/08/18/bidens-deputies-lure-transgender-kids-with-promises-of-lawsuits/

Our allies were also left to die in a far away land.

https://nypost.com/2021/08/19/australians-seeking-to-flee-from-kabul-reportedly-met-with-gunfire/

https://redstate.com/

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The Tropics Editor:  Where are the tropics, LL ?  Some of our loyal viewers are from Oregon, where reading, writing, and math aren’t needed for graduation.  Geography isn’t taught either.  The only way those under 18 can find public buildings is to follow the smoke from BLM’s peaceful protest.

https://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/national/oregon-governor-passes-law-that-suspends-math-reading-proficiency-requirements-for-hs-graduates

Hurricane Cat:  With the hurricane season here we should all be knowledgeable of danger signs & warnings.

https://www.weather.gov/mob/tropical_definitions

Here is how the tropics are defined.

https://www.nationalgeographic.org/encyclopedia/tropics/

https://www.sciencephoto.com/media/667436/view/world-map-with-tropic-zone

https://www.thoughtco.com/tropic-of-cancer-tropic-of-capricorn-3976951

A lot of strange things live in the tropics, one is parrots.

https://babylonbee.com/podcast/basic/227

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/parrots-separated-england-zoo-cursing-swearing-at-guests/

https://www.instagram.com/p/CEcs84mDJaA/

https://www.cnbc.com/2021/08/13/where-to-rent-treehouses-in-us-japan-australia-and-costa-rica.html

I identify as a gopher.

https://redstate.com/wag/2019/12/26/wassamatta-u-celebrates-diverse-student-body-n123764

This song can be about the tropics, about the Americans Joe left to be killed in Afghanistan–who want to come home, and tally-man sounds like Taliban.