WRITTEN BY: THE GHOST TARSIER
(a shrink who speaks his mind, continuously)
Sidney, The Psychiatrist
STP: Good evening, Nancy. You are still coming in by the back entrance, right?
NP: Yes, I am, but why is that necessary? Is it because I am so well-known and you are trying to protect me?
STP: Yes and no. It is because you are well-known and I am trying to protect me.
NP: I don’t understand.
STP: As you know, most of my patients suffer from severe depression. YOU are the source of their depression. If they were to find out that I actually allowed you into my facility, I would lose all my other nut-case business. They hate you worse than Cuomo hates old people. Then the next thing you know, those same fine Californians who wrote all over your garage door with black paint, will be here marking up my fine architecture.
NP: May we begin our session, it has been a while since my last appointment with you.
STP: Your session started as soon as my back door alarm sounded to let me know you had entered the building. Damn Nancy, take off those three masks and relax. Just pretend you are going to get one of those famous BLOW OUTS from that good-looking hair stylist of yours. I watched you on Tucker Carlson four nights in a row. Ba-Ha-Ha-Ha!
NP: I really hate that evil sounding laugh of yours, Sidney.
STP: I recorded that episode. I watch it every night before I retire. I use it for entertainment at my parties too. I play it with Hip-Hop music. It cracks people up, even before they get high and drunk. I am selling copies now. You know, like a little side-line business. I do that with a lot of my private sessions too.
NP: Well, this is what I want to talk….
STP: Oh, wait Nancy. I have another hilarious story for you. Ba-Ha-Ha-Ha! Do you remember when you went to that (play-like) Memorial service for George Floyd. You wore that Kente scarf around your neck. Then when you got down on your knees, you could not get up? You remember, right?
NP: Sidney, I am paying for this session with you and
STP: Well anyway, that day I was seriously listening to a patient who was truly suicidal. He scared me so bad I had my receptionist standing by in case I might need to call 911. Then, lo and behold, that story came on TV and when he saw you on your knees on the floor, he got so tickled, he almost peed his pants. Ba-Ha-Ha-Ha!
NP: Is this my session or yours?
STP: Listen, you will like this part. The next time he came in, he brought me an 8×10 glossy of you on that floor. He insisted that I hang it in my restroom. I could not say no, after the money this gentleman pays me every week.
NP: SIDNEY! SHUT UP AND LIS
STP: Anyway, my point is, now when he comes for a Depression Session, he always goes to the bathroom before he relaxes on the couch. BUT, when he comes out after seeing that picture of you he is no longer depressed, just laughing hysterically.
NP: I am about to walk out of here.
STP: I seriously think YOU should pay me for his normal weekly fee, since you are the reason I lost that income.
NP: I am giving you one more chance to show me some respect and listen to
STP: I am sorry, Nancy, did you hear that beep….your time has expired. Just schedule another appointment with my receptionist by cell phone later. I do not want my other nut cases to see you, you understand. She also has those tapes of you, maskless at the hair salon, with the hip-hop back ground in case you would like to order a couple. I will have those 8×10 glossies for sale by Wednesday. Bye Now….it was good to see you again, Nancy! Remember, use the back door when you leave.