The Rabbi’s Wife

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, “Irving, I need a favor – I’m sleeping with the rabbi’s wife.

Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?”

Irving not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed. After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.  After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked,

“Irving what are you really up to with all this?”

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi “I’m sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied.”

The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder, said “Irving I think you’d better hurry home, my wife died two years ago!”

*
*

The Robot Bartender

Back to the Future Testing Out Home Robot Bartender Bartesian

 

Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender. Since the minimum wage was increased to $15 the owner had to replace his regular human bartender.

The robot says, “What will you have?”
The guy says, “Martini.”
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “168.”
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, “What will you have?”
The guy says, “Martini.”
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “100.”
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, “What will you have?”
The guy says, “Martini,” and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”
The robot leans in real close and says, “So, you people still happy you voted for Biden?

.

Painful Bicycle Wreck

 
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.

All the men sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. 

He said, “I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath. 

“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”

.

GOOD SHOT, DOVE….

Useful Inventions

 

TODAY’S MEMES

 

 

THE SPHINX—POWER COUPLES

_________________________________________________________________________

Kiev news.

https://kyivindependent.com/

The dems aren’t too stupid.

https://townhall.com/tipsheet/mattvespa/2022/03/01/biden-on-ukraine-putin-will-never-gain-the-hearts-and-souls-of-the-iranian-p-n2604001

Nancy looks like a witch in Macbeth tossing bat wings into the cauldron.

https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2022/03/01/watch-bizarre-pelosi-rubs-hands-in-glee-as-biden-speaks-of-troops-breathing-in-toxic-smoke/

Putin may want more real estate.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10565523/Ukraine-war-Belarus-dictator-stands-battle-map-live-TV.html

The Social Media need to be regulated or broken-up as monopolies.

https://redstate.com/smoosieq/2022/03/01/sitting-congresswoman-vicky-hartzler-suspended-from-twitter-for-womens-sports-comment-n529885

Maybe Moochelle Obama should intervene again.

https://www.breitbart.com/entertainment/2022/03/01/jussie-smollett-files-motion-for-change-in-verdict-or-new-trial-in-hate-crime-hoax-case/

So long Bucky-you were a damn good dog, even though we hardly knew thee.

https://nypost.com/2022/03/01/florida-woman-threw-boyfriends-dog-off-7th-floor-balcony/

This is almost as sad as Bucky.

https://nypost.com/2022/03/01/burning-cargo-ship-carrying-porsches-lamborghinis-sinks/

________________________________________________________________________

The biggest POWER COUPLE is the Federal Government and big business (media).

https://redstate.com/setonmotley/2022/02/15/big-govs-sellout-crony-legislative-theater-lets-pretend-were-outraged-n522528

https://redstate.com/setonmotley/2022/02/23/lockdowns-big-banks-further-market-consolidation-further-aided-by-big-government-n526662

The FBI uses this feature to report on Federal Democratic Employees Crimes.

https://www.theonion.com/new-iphone-setting-reduces-eyestrain-with-black-text-on-1848564004

https://thefederalist.com/

________________________________________________________________________

This sure beats the new Washington NFL team name, Fumb Duckers.

https://babylonbee.com/news/ottawa-senators-change-name-to-ottawa-dictators

https://www.breitbart.com/

________________________________________________________________________

The Sex Editor:  Who is eligible to be our Power-Couple winner, LL ?

Chromosome Cat:  Any two people, one with XX and the other with XY, chromosomes.  We use science, no sex change hormone treatments are allowed.

https://pediaa.com/what-is-the-difference-between-xx-and-xy-chromosomes/

AOC and her Significant Other Person ( SOP ) are definitely in the race.  Here she is relieving stress.  In a few weeks a lot of Americans will use cold bath water because they can’t afford gas or electricity.

https://redstate.com/tladuke/2022/02/22/video-americas-sweetheart-aoc-dunks-her-face-into-ice-cold-water-for-a-stress-reset-n526076

Hill & Bill were once a power couple, but that was a while back.  They, reportedly, made more people disappear than David Copperfield.

Joe & Jill couldn’t even keep their dog named, Vince Foster, from disappearing.  Joe also made a grandchild disappear.

Harry and Meghan just don’t cut it.  Harry almost disappeared from the House of Windsor.

https://sussexroyal.com/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_of_Windsor

We have a tie between Donald & Melania Trump and  Ron and Casey DeSantis.

https://citizenfreepress.com/breaking/desantis-offers-5000-signing-bonus-for-new-cops/

Astronomy Picture of the Day

Spiral Galaxy NGC 2841
Image Credit & Copyright: Vitali Pelenjow

Explanation: A mere 46 million light-years distant, spiral galaxy NGC 2841 can be found in the northern constellation of Ursa Major. This deep view of the gorgeous island universe was captured during 32 clear nights in November, December 2021 and January 2022. It shows off a striking yellow nucleus, galactic disk, and faint outer regions. Dust lanes, small star-forming regions, and young star clusters are embedded in the patchy, tightly wound spiral arms. In contrast, many other spirals exhibit grand, sweeping arms with large star-forming regions. NGC 2841 has a diameter of over 150,000 light-years, even larger than our own Milky Way. X-ray images suggest that resulting winds and stellar explosions create plumes of hot gas extending into a halo around NGC 2841.

Tomorrow’s picture: multiwavelength crab

“If by whiskey”

Image result for noah soggy sweat jr"
The Whiskey Speech
By: Noah S. “Soggy” Sweat, Jr.

 

Judge Noah S. “Soggy” Sweat, Jr. was a judge, law professor, and state representative in the US State of Mississippi. He became notable for his 1952 speech on the floor of the Mississippi State Legislature concerning his position on the prohibition of alcohol which was still in force in the state at that time. Reportedly the speech took Sweat two and a half months to write. The speech is renowned for the grand rhetorical terms in which it seems to come down firmly and decisively on both sides of prohibition. The speech gave rise to the phrase “If by whiskey,” used to illustrate such equivocation of positions in an argument.

Is there a value in being able to argue a position from both sides before you decide? Most tough issues are tough because they do have two sides.

 

The Whisky Speech

My friends, I had not intended to discuss this controversial subject at this particular time. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the contrary, I will take a stand on any issue at any time, regardless of how fraught with controversy it might be. You have asked me how I feel about whiskey. All right, this is how I feel about whiskey:

If when you say whiskey you mean the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster, that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean the evil drink that topples the Christian man and woman from the pinnacle of righteous, gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, and despair, and shame and helplessness, and hopelessness, then certainly I am against it.

But, if when you say whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and laughter on their lips, and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer; if you mean the stimulating drink that puts the spring in the old gentleman’s step on a frosty, crispy morning; if you mean the drink which enables a man to magnify his joy, and his happiness, and to forget, if only for a little while, life’s great tragedies, and heartaches, and sorrows; if you mean that drink, the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars, which are used to provide tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitiful aged and infirm; to build highways and hospitals and schools, then certainly I am for it.

This is my stand. I will not retreat from it. I will not compromise.

*

(“Soggy” Sweat, Jr. was born in Alcorn County, entered elementary school at the age of four and graduated Corinth High School in 1939. His nickname was given to him by a classmate who thought his red hair resembled the tassel on a sorghum stalk. He began calling him “Soghum” which later turned into “Soggy”.)

TODAY’S BIBLE VERSE