Because I am a psychic, mathematical genius… that is why.
My wife loves sales.
She’ll buy anything that’s marked down.
Yesterday she came home with an escalator.
A conversation between a man and woman. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after he ask only one simple question. l bet this happens more often than not:
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: Where is your airplane?
Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said “Louie-ville” and the other “Louise-ville.”
They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, “Please tell me the name of the place where I am right now, really, really, really slowly.”
The waitress says, “Bur-ger-King.”
Last year 449,000 Californians received a jury summons to which they replied, “I am not a citizen, therefore I cannot sit on a jury.”
My grandfather was an evangelic pastor that, among other aspects of his ministry, also cast out demons. He pastored a small church in San Antonio, TX. The things I saw as a child and took for granted at the time, would give most people nightmares. And I have always believed that I have been pursued by demons because of my grandfathers attacks on them. As Christians we are the primary targets of the demonic realm. He would not only cast them out of people in the church, but he was called out to places like Mexico where he ministered and converted hundreds of people to Christ, and Catholics to Protestantism. There is far more to his story, but his story is where I believe my story begins. He died young of a heart attack when I was 13yrs old.
In September 2005 I was on a fishing trip in Mexico with some friends. We stayed at one of my favorite destinations near Puerto Vallarta, a small town called Rincon de Guayabitos, in the state of Nayarit. The fishing trip was basically terrible. The boat we chartered was one that I had found online, that after we boarded, we realized had nothing in common with the photos on the website. The photos must have been 20-30yrs old, no current representation of the boat at all. When we left the marina, we were quite a distance from shore and still moving slow as if we were trying to avoid a wake. I confronted the captain when I was looking at the map of where we intended to fish, and calculating our speed, figured we would arrive to fish in time to have to return to the marina. So, I asked to captain how much longer were we worried about leaving a wake? He had no clue why I was asking, so I changed the question: “When are we going to throttle up and get this boat moving?” To my disappointment, he replied, “We’ve been full throttle since we pulled out of the boat slip.” That was about 7 knots full speed, we could have rowed canoes faster. The trip really declined from there. I slipped and fell and threw a disk in my back. The food would have been better if we were stranded at sea on a raft, but not when you’re on an expensive charter and expecting something better. We returned 8 hours later with 1 tuna that we foul hooked in the tail and reeled in backwards. At least we had 1 fish that made for a nice dinner after a horrible trip.
That evening we all visited and laughed about the terrible trip, had a few beers, a great grilled tuna steak dinner, and went to bed. That night my room became so cold that I had to force myself to get out of bed to turn off the air conditioner. But even after turning the unit off, my room stayed extremely cold, and it was very warm outside, in the high 80’s late at night. I was perplexed but more concerned about staying warm with no blanket to be found in the tropical beach hotel room. Then the worst stench I cannot find words to describe came into my room like a dense chemical fog, penetrating the entire room. I kept burying my head in the pillow to get away from the smell but could not. I was freezing cold, and this smell was like the smell of human feces, sewage, horrible. I assumed it was a broken drain line outside, but the next morning I seemed to be the only one to experience or even notice the odor. No one else in our small boutique hotel had noticed anything. The hotel sent maintenance to my room, but no one could find a problem that would have caused the smell of sewage. Soon we returned from Mexico, the experience was forgotten, we all went about our daily routines as normal.
By June of 2006 in the following year, a multitude of strange events unfolded that began with the same stench of human feces, this time was in my home in Texas. The entire event was exactly as when in Mexico, the room turned cold, and the smell of feces flooded the house. It literally smelled as though I was standing in sewage but I could find nothing anywhere that would cause such a stink. I was puzzled, trying to make sense of this, looking for sewage leaks, not understanding the cold house in hot weather, it was all very strange. But I did recognize the fact that the only place I had ever smelled this before was in my room in Mexico the previous year. The odor was exactly the same.
One day I was walking into the house in the early evening hours and passed by a piano in my living room where I had a large hand painted portrait of my mother hanging above it on the wall. My mother was the daughter of my late grandfather, the pastor. As I passed by the piano, the portrait flew off of the wall and hit the floor face down, cracking the glass. I felt the wind on my back as the portrait flew by me. I turned and looked at the portrait on the floor, then the wall where it was hanging, and at that time in my career, as a manufacturing engineer with over 20yrs experience, I could not comprehend how the picture came off the wall and hit the floor with such force. I hung it back on the wall but could not stop my mind from trying to understand how this could have happened.
The putrid smell and the flying portrait were just the beginning of this nightmare. At the time I was consulting for several companies, each of which had provided me with a cell phone for emergency contact purposes. Cell phone plans were much different 14yrs ago and though complicated and inconvenient, I believe I had around 4 or 5 cell phones at the time. With each of these cell phones from various different international cellular carriers, I could not carry on a conversation without strange whispering voices interrupting the calls. Strange things were happening all around the house too. Lights would turn on and off, a stereo system would suddenly start blasting, loud banging noises in the walls, items turning over on shelves, falling on the floor, and on and on. The portrait came off the wall again and slammed so hard on the floor that this time all of the glass came out of the frame and even the frame broke into pieces. And almost every night, I would be awakened by something hovering over me and pouncing on my bed so hard it felt like the bed frame would collapse. This was a total demonic possession of my house. They would slap my pillow hard to wake me in terror, if I could manage to sleep at all, and I was terrified, but mostly because I thought I had lost my mind. I thought I was becoming schizophrenic and needed help. My alarm clock would sound, turn off by itself, and a woman’s voice that sounded like my mother would tell me good morning. I had no one I thought I could talk to that wouldn’t have me committed to a mental health institution, and I was keeping these insane experiences to myself.
I invited my father over for dinner one night. I cooked up a great spaghetti sauce, rented a movie, and was excited to see my dad and see if any of this inexplicable phenomenon would occur while he was there. We visited and enjoyed our dinner, then moved to the living area and started a movie. Within a few minutes, the kitchen lights turned on by themselves, and turned back off. My father looked at me and asked how I did that from my recliner chair, and I explained to him that I had been experiencing some strange things around the house. A few minutes later, the sound went off on the movie and a stereo started blasting some awful music. Again, he thought I was pranking him when I tried to explain what had been happening. Then I showed him the broken portrait, and gave him more details about the strange events, now that I had a witness and knew I wasn’t losing my marbles. I said, “Dad, I don’t know what to do, any advice?” He said, “Thanks for dinner, tell me about the movie tomorrow! I’m getting out of here! This house gives me the creeps!”
I went out and bought some books on angels, because I knew this was a spiritual problem and I needed help, but I felt like God would either not hear me or not listen to me and not send help. So, I went to the angels instead. I started burning incense and candles and all kind of nonsense tactics. From there, things got worse. Mechanical problems with my car, financial problems were astonishing, my daughter was suicidal over some things she was going thru at school, the depths of hell had taken over my life, and even my family.
The daughter of another pastor from San Antonio that knew my grandfather, was one of my mother’s dearest Christian friends. Her son and I had also become best friends from the age of teenagers. He was one of the ones on the fishing trip where all of this started. Desperate as I was, I called him and told him the whole story. This is 2007 by now and has been going on for over a year. He said, “You need to get right with God, get on your knees and reconcile whatever has happened between you and God. Then you need to anoint every door and window in your house with oil and claim the power of the blood of Jesus over yourself, family and home. Drive them out by the power of the blood of the Son of God, they will not stay when you call on His name!”
I did everything he said, and afterward dug my old bible out of the closet, and for the first time in at least 8yrs, I opened my bible and started reading it. Immediately, the Holy Spirit poured out over me and I was overwhelmed by the spirit. At the instant I opened my bible, these words came to me loud and clear, “Keep your heart steadfast on Jesus, for even the angels shall be judged.” I could not find a specific scripture that matched perfectly with the words I heard spoken to me, except a notation in 1 Corinthians 6, verses 3-5. This was the voice of the Holy Spirit, communicating to me directly once I had been atoned for! I was being cloaked in the shield of faith! Atonement>Grace>Salvation>Faith!
And just as fast as I had prayed over the house and opened my bible, all of these problems vanished. No more putrid smell in the house, no more voices on the cell phone, money started flowing in huge amounts, my daughter overcame her trials, no more demons jumping on the bed, it all went away.
In the first week of July of 2007, I do not remember the exact day, just before the daylight hour an angel came into my room, hovering in a corner of the house above me, and I was in a semi-sleep stage but also awake because this angel had my attention. I just laid there feeling as though I was paralyzed, unable to move or respond. The angel was wearing a lot of white, a very elegant robe, with a deep violet colored sash, and a lot of gold around the belt. The room was filled with light the way that light reflects from water, glimmering all over the room. I was so stricken by a feeling of euphoric and loving peace, and my mind opened in a way that everything was so clear, as if for a moment I knew everything that there was to know while feeling this intense sense of peace. The angel did not identify his/herself, didn’t seem either male or female male, but did seem to be more feminine. As the light glimmered around my room, the angel spoke to me very casually as if having always known me. Then the angel began explaining that I had been tormented by a powerful demon and told me the demon’s name, which I will not repeat here. While the angel was speaking, it seemed I was traveling at the speed of light and standing still at the same time, absorbing knowledge and information that surpassed human understanding. The angel said not to worry, that this demon had gone too far, and had been removed to the abyssal and would never be a problem for me again.
And that was it. The angel left and I was so indulged in the feeling of peace that I did not want it to ever end. And then all of the things I felt I was learning and understanding in the presence of this celestial being, quickly went away, the curtain closed, leaving me feeling as if in a vacuum for a moment, and while very happy, I was also a little melancholy because I did not want this feeling of intense euphoria, love and peace to end. It was how I imagine heaven feels, all good, no evil, total peace, total love, the presence of God. That was a turning point in my life where every word of the bible finally became real to me, where before it seemed like myths and legends, now I knew that God was real and hears our voices when we need deliverance from a mutual enemy.
After this, my life changed, of course, but then I experienced 2 additional major events where angels and the power of God intervened. I will write about them soon if anyone is interested, but I will tell you briefly that in one experience I was in a bus wreck in Thailand where every passenger was hospitalized, some seriously injured, when our bus slid off of a slick highway and hit an electric pole, knocking the pole down and flipping the bus over on top of the pole. This was in 2009. I remember seeing the accident unfold, made some calculations in my mind, braced myself into the seat in front of me, waiting for impact. When the bus laid on its side, I popped out of a window and began helping people out. Some were unconscious, some were in shock, everyone was bleeding, broken bones, broken neck and back, but I walked away without even as much as a bruise or scratch. The police had confined me to the hospital pending their investigations, and I went out for food to bring to the hospital for the passengers that had been seriously injured. No one liked the food there and I was very glad to be the food courier.
Some of my friends that were on the bus were from Thailand and wanted me to go to a Buddhist temple with them to have some monks pray over us. I said, “No way! The only God-fearing Christian on the bus was not injured, you should come with me to my temple!”
Prior to this event, in the spring of 2008, a powerful super cell storm was coming straight for my house, on a steady path moving from northeast to southwest for many hours. I was listening on the radio and watching the lightening and hearing the thunderous blasts coming closer and closer. Tornadoes were touching down faster than the weather service could report them. As the storm finally approached, I went outside wearing only my undergarments and climbed up on a patio table and started praying to turn the storm because it was a devastating storm that would have destroyed my house and probably would have killed me. “Holy, holy holy Lord God Almighty! Who was, who is and who is to come! Please turn this storm!” At about that moment a lightening strike came so close to me in the sky over my head that my hair stood on end and I scrambled to get back inside. As I recall, I believe I screamed like a little girl with that “hair raising” experience. But that was where the storm stopped and made a sharp 90 degree turn to the east, 1 mile from my house. I thought nothing of it until the next day when I saw the damage north of my farm. Trees had been smashed flat to the ground by 3” hail stones, houses ripped from their foundations by high winds, just 1 to 2 miles away, but on my farm not a branch or even a leaf was knocked out of the trees.
In our spiritual walk, we have supernatural seasons just like spring and winter. If we find ourselves in a spiritual spring, we need to remember that He always hears us even in winter, no less than in the spring. And the harder the winter, the brighter the spring. We are called in service to Christ and will each experience different circumstances that align to our calling. In Christ we have His power over all circumstances, if we come to Him humbled and atoned, He will hear our petitions. Nothing says it better than Psalms 91;
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
3 Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
4 He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
5 Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
6 Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
7 A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
8 Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
9 Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
10 There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
12 They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
13 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
14 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.