The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in place.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Sometimes the first step towards forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot.

I finally realized it…People are prisoners of their phones, that’s why they are called ‘cell’ phones.

I wonder what people who txt “u” instead of “you” do with all their spare time.

How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I have to eat before I start seeing results?

Growing old is hard work…The mind says “yes,” but the body says “What are you thinking?

My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.

There are times when my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.